At The Devils Feet - Sunday 10/04/11

Henry David Thoreau's Walden is rapidly becoming my bible and creed. If I were a believer in re-incarnation, I would swear that this man was myself in a previous existence. Although he was obviously more disciplined, not having impregnated a girl at the age of 17. I envy his freedom and fear the loneliness of the life he describes. Whilst I could abandon my now second time pregnant partner and young daughter as could any truly free being, I live in terror of my conscience. I am petrified of myself even if I follow what I know to be my life's true course and calling. My battle at this moment in time is to fight that calling with every fibre of my being until the day I can act upon it without regret. I know this to be pure folly. A foolish idea that will inevitably find me prostrate at the Devil's feet begging for another chance to live my life how I want to live it. I am aware I have always felt trapped and emotionally blackmailed into servitude of my 'lover' and it is my own moral code that binds my being and soul to her and my daughter. My daughter who has become a dear friend to me compounding my heartache further still. In the past, I once attempted suicide in the belief it would grant me the release I crave. I know now that the answer lies not in the darkness, but here in the light of this life, presently just out of reach.
Thoreau's work has become to me, akin to a pornographic magazine. Naughty. Taboo. Forbidden. I can only read a small portion at a time before my lust and envy grow too strong to bear. I flirt with the dream, then reason with my poor heart and convince my disturbed mind that what is portrayed within this books covers will never be mine.
It is in moments of bitter confusion like this that I pine for a cigarette. Could it be I enter a 'Self Destruct' mode? If that which I desire can never be mine then what point is there to this miserable existence?
If I were my own counsel I would advise myself to burn the book and never dare read another page. Ugly filth such as tobacco and nicotine are easy to live without, beautiful literature is not.

M Jones

Shocking Muck- Sunday 12/12/10

Sunshine! Better wash the solar panels! Our mobiles have been suffering due to the past overcast days and the fact the car inverter doesn't seem to be doing the job.
Got one job done during my morning cigarette. The rear door of the static is scraping the frame. Probably due to the axle not yet being bricked up and supported. Can't raise it as my car bottle jack can't cope. The answer? Deflate the tire. Door fixed. Caravan level. Job done.
The rest of the day was spent preparing the vegetable beds. Emma came out to help for a bit before lunch and again as the light was fading. Have managed to get 4 of 8 dug, and one strip spread 3/4 of the way with muck. That 3/4 was a whole trailer load which shocked me.
Was aching and very tired but managed to spend three hours desperately trying to catch up on the blog. Same again tomorrow methinks.

M Jones