A Tiresome Train Wreck - Tuesday 20/09/11

At midday, Kit, Saara, Nick, Emma and I plus babies finally had a sit down chat.

I was rather dismayed, indeed disgusted by some of what was aired.

I particularly wished to put to bed the recent grumbles about my perceived lack of input. Somehow, it would appear my efforts are viewed in an inferior light to those of Nicks. A grossly unfair comparison to start with and I won't go into detail here.

It is times like these when keeping a diary pays dividends.

What most shocked me was Kits confession of envy. Not only of our material possessions, specifically my air rifles, but also our finances and what appears to him to be our relaxed life despite our newborn child. I am aware that beneath envy lies flattery, but it was Emma who astutely pointed out that whilst things such as money and toys are what they are, who owns the land? Who will leave here with nothing? Who will gain a house!?

I am writing this shortly after the event has occurred, so no doubt emotions are still present and issues that may fade still vivid in mind. I have expressed to Saara that I would like a follow up chat with them regarding the points raised.

Whilst my emotion charged mind wishes to document all niggling details, my hearts wisdom and pen hand knows it is for the better that I refrain. There are no accidents.

If my frustrations become a catalyst for our departure then that is that.

Am I sabotaging my circumstances in accordance to the pattern I have observed in my life, I ask myself. I said in their presence that I attributed this period to a lack of focus (building) and lack of clarity on our exchange.

A small voice voice in my conscience recalls that Hoppi and others warned us that Kit can be a challenge. Be that as it may, whilst I breathe, I am ready to be challenged.

I attended a Lammas meeting in the evening, not much was different from the others bar two items regarding directors and outside committee members. My notice that I wished to stand as a Director was again on the agenda after being dismissed off hand previously. None objected, bar Andy who belligerently asked me to repeat myself when I spoke clear enough for all to hear, as he “did not understand a word” and then declined to elaborate on his objection when challenged. Either he was being polite, so strong were his feelings, or he was just being 'difficult'. I didn't take it personally, just as well too as he was also did not like the idea of outside committee members. I also have a feeling Melissa would have objected as well, so the focus cannot be trained on him alone. This concensus thing seems a waste of time, cited as 'something to aspire to' it appears as fluffy and as foundless in practice as most other 'enlightened' ideas practiced by incapable aspirational folk.

I have endured all meetings that have taken place during my time here. I have observed and offered input when it was required, and/or requested, but watching a train fall off the tracks eventually becomes frustrating and dull. More so when your insight is most often seemingly cast on stony ground.

My offer to stand as director was therefore a most charitable and generous one. I thank Andy for excluding and protecting me from being obligated to attend these circuses. Lammas is bankrupt due to gross negligence and financial mismanagement. That is not hearsay nor speculation, it is a fact. The ship is sinking and like many others, I'm cashing out.

Let us see what next the Fates will deign to weave into this, my tapestry of life.